i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
