last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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