I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
