The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
