By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
