My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
