new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
