dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
