His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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