Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
