i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Holy sore nipples Batman
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
