I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
