never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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