i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
