i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
