Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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