hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
