Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
