dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
