I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
