just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
