I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
