I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
