I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
