so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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