so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
