Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
