just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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