the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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