As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
