how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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