2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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