I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
