from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
