just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
