First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
