Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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