Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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