We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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