Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i love accidental penises.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
