i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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