I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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