Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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