You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
