i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
