A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
