I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
