Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
