I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
