just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
