Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
