I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize