I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
